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nats journal

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

10:47PM - cant take my eyes off of you~~cant take my eyyyes off of you~~

hey hey actually am in depresso mode, havent updated in 4ever let me clue you in. split up with danny over new year, liked him/ depended on him more than i thought was vvvvvvv upset cried and everything, got drunk mostly - may have drink problem. found out samantha slept with keith, never felt more betrayed in my whole life. i did bad shit to her after tht spread a few not-so-nice rumours,em got off with guy she liked - never slept with him wouldnt go down to the gutter with her, announced how she cheated on her b/f. didnt feel better she does worse to herself than i could ever do. she phones me everytime shes drunk to say sorry. shes away to police camp now - oh yeah shes a cop - very bent smokes grass etc.

have been hangin with tina alot, like her she has problems though. like two days ago we were both drunk and she started goin on about how she pure cared about john burns cos hed had a hard life - dont know wot came over me but i started screamin at her tht everyone had a hard life including her friends but i didnt see her there for any of us, we ended up spilling about lots of things i was tearful it was sad.

seeing a guy called nicky he is a pain and were goin nowhere, he has a mini cooper and a flat and he gets paid tons but we just dont click. he doesnt like me tht much hes just desperate to screw me. which he hasnt.valentines day yesterday whoop de doop. driving lessons on mondays and fridays wooo!!! spoke to leslie didnt used to get on with him but he seems to have matured and im seein the good in him, you know how if you look for bad in a person you find it well i think we just found the bad in eachother and now i cant remember what it is so its all good. oh yeah btw am 18 now and its gr8 its helped my drink problem escalate.hmm thts not good! lots of clubbing and parties, social life is goin gd.#

wrote another poem im a twisted freak but anyway here it is

life isnt simple, the reasons aren't clear.

why one person triumphs and one lives in fear.

one twist of fate can set someone free.

the tables have turned, now you envy me.

you played with fire, i felt it's burn.

now im the fire and now it's your turn.

i was the sinner you were the sin.

this is the one game i dont want to win.

kept by evil, you stay bad.

i know my tears won't make you sad.

away from you i may be alone.

somehow its better, i shouldve known

Current mood: melancholy

Sunday, December 19, 2004

5:49PM - please don't ask me to, cos you know i will and he's sitting rite there

hey, im soo tired never got in till 5.30am great nite bad consequences.went to tinas party,wore low cut red top and black skirt was all gd till tina got too drunk and danny went home and me an sam an other ppl went 2 dancin an danny went in mood, i never say anythin about himgoing to the dancin,christ! so we keep fightin about stuff an rite now hes goin on about how hes horny and how im acting like a nun#? wtf is he all about aaahh. anyway everythins crazy just now heads gone again. was talkin 2 sam 2day we were just reminisin an stuff it was sweet.i do miss her. its weird she knows me better than anyone. an i used 2 think i knew her better than i knew myself but theres somethin so lost about her she seems unhappy. i dont know how to help her, i mean when we lived together she never hid anythin but now shes closed up.*sighs* dunno whether tyo go to dannys. goin 4 hot bath.


ciao

nat xx

Current mood: weird

Thursday, December 16, 2004

4:25PM - There she goes again ~ slippin an slidin ~ duckin an divin~

hey! gd mood central! goin shopping in matter of hours god bless late night shopping! getting an outfit for xtinas 18th on saturday, funnily enough she hates me - somethin to do with her ex b/f hmm. sams current b/f doesnt like sam to be around me, he says she does crazy things she wouldnt normally do, she says shes more than capable of doin crazy things on her own. i actually think its because he thinks theres somethin "weird" going on with us. tsk. and maybe also because i got off with him first, when sam was goin out with terry and he wanted 2 keep seein me but i fell 4 keith (asshole that he is) so it didnt happen. whatever way u look at it he has some sort of justified disliking for me. anyways i think i know the outfit i want im so excited, i wasnt goin 2 go but now i feel like making a statement.

dannys coming i hope i dnt get too drunk,lol il end up telling him stories about the various ppl at the party. college was ok 2day wasnt in 4 long. Missed you Chris!!! how are u goin 2 get ur xmas card now eh? wasnt in 4 long handed in assignment thingy did gd!

still confused! about life in general, still can't sleep, 2 many thoughts. was worried 2day, if someone in my family found out stuff about me i could be disowned. :-(

lolololol could you imagine it ~~ shunned by the world~

i was here but now im gone so ive left my name to turn you on!!


lolol nat xx

Current mood: amused

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

4:30PM - is it cos im smart that you break my heart with the lies you tell are you just a fool

hey ppl im back to a happy place, yes you will see that i have only been telling little bits of stories on lj, and itl probably seem confusing tht i talk about being in love with a guy then talk about a girl etc etc well i can only say welcome to the twisted world that is mine.

its not my fault that i love ppl who treat me bad, although maybe the common denomonater is me maybe i need to change and get my act together. i mean im young, i play games i hurt i get hurt although i never admit to it. when i get drunk with my friends i have this bad habit of telling the truth especially about myself. i hate people to know me really well i mean wheres the mystery if they know everything about me yet i always seem to give away my secrets. although not all of them.

was at dannys last night, hes the new guy im seeing, it wont last im in love with someone else and he wont understand. im giving it a go though.

i still cant sleep at night, i mean at all, time passes so fast. i wish life were simple.

i bought sam and jens xmas presents today, i actually put alot of though into them. will see what they think.

until next time

nat x

Current mood: contemplative

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

1:04PM

hey am feelin really insecure just now, i have this nervous feeling in my stomach that i cant get rid of. i keep thinking of people that i wanted out of my life and now that theyre out i want them back. i hate her, why is she the person i love the most if she makes me feel the worst. i miss the person i was closest to in the world because noone can compare, but theyve moved on and found someone else, but can she really take my place, if i wanted her back could i have her or would i have to do things i refuse to. she knows i wont chase after her, i know she wont chase after me, but if i was to would she even like me? because i would have changed into a doormat and if she loved me for me she wont like the change. but maybe she feels the same way and she wont call me incase i think shes weak. its a vicous cycle were doomed. i will always miss her but were bad for eachother, even if she denys tht part its true. shes so self centered and manipulative, and for a while i didnt fight against her, but now i see through her. and though in the bigger picture things have changed for the better, i wish they hadnt changed at all.


nat x

Current mood: depressed

Saturday, December 11, 2004

5:57PM - ~home~truths~ did i really deserve them?

I feel like crap and i cant stop crying, its soo weird, i dont even care about him anymore but it still hurts. i mean one minute im everything to him, the center of his fuckin world next thing he delibrately tries to hurt me and make me feel like shit. ok so i might be a self centered bitch i might do things tht people dont understand and i might not be as clued up as i think i am but do i need to hear all tht shouted at me from him.
i think i could have loved him, i think i wouldve tried it wasnt my fault ppl got involved and lied, i know tht im not blameless but i wont stay home and hide, you know you havent hurt me, my only injuries my pride, so without a doubt youve got me back but have you really won? the game we started hasnt ended its only just begun. open your eyes and tell me what you see dont turn your head and look away forgiveness is the key, my thoughts of us are poisoned my dreams they cause alarm , we had such good intentions, they only caused us harm. so strange to be able to love and hate these feelings will not last, eventually we will both let go and put us in the past.

dont know where tht came from. bye nat x

Current mood: crushed

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

9:27PM - i think my dads gone crazy

hello again a lil bit!! lol! ok heres another crazy poem cos am still in a gr8 mood - hell yeah and amen to the shit!!

Inside and out

why do you read me like a book?

no need to kiss when you just steal a look,

do you love or just pretend to care?

 i feel you burn me when you stare,

what lies behind your childish grin?

words of evil, hurt and sin.

kiss me once and touch me twice

your eyes look through me, cold as ice.

just a conquest in the wind

blowing through the dark within

symbollic of the love just lost

struck by the one who mattered most.

Current mood: happy

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

9:20PM - party in da house!!

hey am in such a wee gd mood, im just back from kevs(my lil bros) confirmation i was his sponsor im all chuffed to bits. anyways since am now in a gd mood i want to share some dark and depressing poems that i wrote when i was all messed up and shit so here u go. em theyll show u how warped and twisted i reall am. hey hey.k.

 Bitter twist

Disloyal, evil, jealous fool.

Blowing hot and cold and cool.

Pretending that you love and care.

Empty, shallow hearts not there.

Know thyself, know thy fate.

Resentment passion, filled with hate.

Pierce the skin, blood runs cold.

Inside I scream - say no say no!

Current mood: crazy

Sunday, November 7, 2004

9:16PM - ~here comes the summer sun,he burned my skin,i look again~~im over him!!!!

hello!! so long since ive updated well i moved out of my house cos me and sam fell out with lynne and cara nothin 2 do with me actually i got dragged into a fuckin mess. split with keith cos i cheated on him with his best pal it wasnt an accident i did it on purpose cos he deserved it 4 bein an asshole. im watchin my best friend turn into a slut b4 my eyes. its sickening i can be a bitch and sound like a slut but i dont put it about.shes in self destruct mode and theres fuck all i can do about it. i feel soo sad for her but when i try to help she trys to hurt me to the point where i say fuck you do whatyou want. college is fine i know who my friends are.i got my nipple pierced becos i was bored lolol.wasnt sore at all - well a lil bit but not much.

ive had a shit weekend me and sam arent talkin turns out weve been playin against eachother when we promised we wouldnt, im tryin 2 stop bein pals with her - at least for a while i think shes doin the same, tryin to avoid me etc but she keeps gettin scared and callin me 2 make sure am there for her. fair enough i mean id expect the same from her but one day shes goin to call and i wont be there.she better watch how far she pushes me cos yesterday she made me feel like shit.

think i drink to much, binge drink i mean always seem to be either drunk or hungover. not gd. not even 18 yet 2months to go woohoo.

well until nxt time.

ciao

Current mood: apathetic

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

3:37PM - To drive fast is to speed....Speed you dont speed you dont know how to spell speed!

hi..no im not...pity. im in a strange mood i feel like i dont belong anywhere :-(, i was in my own house this morning and no1 was home i felt empty as empty as the house so i left and went to my grans but my great gran was the only one in and she was sick so she was sleepin so i didnt belong there...again empty...so i went to my mums house and she was just leaving to pick up my bro so im alone again empty in a vast space of emptiness.alas. keith hasnt phoned me since sam asked if she could 'borrow' me for the night and he went a bit crazy and said keep your hands off. i think he missed the joke... i think he thinks that either sams gay/bi or that im bi (cant be gay im dating him). i dont care im cant be bothered with high maintenance ppl, im high maintenance enough 4 whoever im dating never mind him bringing in more dramatics. watched six feet under last night, i think im twisted and have a warped mind, the program is ironic like my fuckin life sometimes i get sooo mad!! i wrote lots today in my diary - like a real one wrote about my confusion of all things in life. im so screwed up. should stop dating guys they fuck with your brain and make you stupid. bored now. bye.until nxt time.

Current mood: confused

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

9:38AM - kiss the rain

first entry and im back to talking to myself woohoo!!! at college much fun, chris with the long hair is going a bit mad hes spinning round furiously like a man possesed on his chair hes like a dangerous weapon.... just kidn hes chilled. andrew isnt in hes late....wonder if hes talkin to me... bryans late just for a change.hmm. chris with the short hair isnt in till this afternoon.am in a gd mood right now even though im on totm. :-( lololol i go through weird phases im in a wee bubbly mood. im workin in asda 2nite and i cant be bothered but oh well have 2 pay rent. live with mad ppl - flatmates cara samantha and lynne.im 17 sam and cara are 18 and lynnes 20. at the weekend i went out on thurs, stayed in and got drunk on friday lots of ppl came to my house, chris with the short hair,lal and louise were some of them. chris came to mine on sunday but i was tired so i made him leave.in a nice way though - think it was cos of totm.which is time of the month btw.anyways have to go cant skive anymore. so bye to no1 in particular snce i just switched from ujournal and have no friends as of yet.

nat xxxxxxx

Current mood: amused